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| ...but I am a wimp.
Basically I have no idea what I want to do with my life. The past
couple months have been really hard on me. I am in the time in my life
where there are a million possibilities (which is exciting) but I am
slowly (or quickly) facing that there is a relaity in all this. I
cannot spend my life theorizing about what I want to do with it, I have
to do it. I don't think I am meant to be a designer. I am still
incredibly freaked out that I am pushing my future in a direction that
I will not succeed in. Even now, we have complete design freedom, and
instead of working on my project, I am on this wesbite trying to figure
out why I don't have a micron in my hand.
It seems that there are so many people around me that seem to know that
this is exactly what they want to do, and just need to decide whether
they enjoy commercial or residential architecure more. I think thats
bullshit. Anyone that is completely content with whatever they are
doing is just trying to portray the image that they are perfect, and
questioning your life is out of the question. I don't know exactly what
I am saying here, but it seems that if you stop questioning everything
in your life, then why are you a designer. Isn't that the point.
OK that was a tangent. I need to take a breather.
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| So it is almost the end of another quarter. It still feels like the
holidays were just here. As much as I love quarters, I feel like
sometimes they break my life up too much. I am always finishing
something and life moves a lot faster. I want to appreciate these last
years of freedom and make them last forever.
It has been an all-around good quarter. My classes have actually been
decent and I think studio has been very relevant, and has made me
realize a few things about myself. I am beginning to thin twice about
wanting to be a designer. I cannot decide if I went into architecture
to be this famous designer or because it was something I was interested
in (and still am). A lot of this quarter was analyzing buildings and
deciding what architects were thinking when they created their
structures and "what questions they were asking of architecture." I
don't think I care. I can tell a well-designed and well-detailed
building from a crappy one, but I don't necessarily care about the
"grand idea" or making my buildings with some deep meaning. I think
that people are looking for spaces that change their moods, make them
comfortable and are places they want to spend time. Of course, I think
they must be beautiful and appropriate....well I guess I am glad I
didn't go to Harvard. I would hate it. Now I am deciding whether I want
to go to grad school for architecture or business. Its a hard decision.
i really don't want to do a thesis...but then again I can choose any
subject, I don't have to do a super theoretical one. I can do something
I am interested in. I don't know...its something I am thinking about
lately. Basically, I don't know what I want to do with my life.
Also, my birthday is on Monday. Its not going to be exciting. 22 is
such a boring birthday and we have midterm critiques Monday. Ick. I
don't thin I even would want to do anything for my birthday if I didn't
have any work to do. Going shopping and making a good dinner would be
completely fine with me. For my birthday, I just want to have a
relaxing day and not have to worry about school or pass out from being
up all night. I hate doing that. I think that some people do it for
kicks or they somehow think they have to do that to be a 'good
designer.' Thats bull. What is school doing to us? Making us think we
have to be crazy workaholics to prove we are talented and dedicated?
There is a certain point where you just have to go to bed. Usually that
is pretty early for me, and I am completely fine with that.
OK maybe one of these days I will update again....but until then!
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| Christmas is a boring holiday. I used to think it was boring because I never have anything to do besides go to a movie and dinner at the Blue Gibbon with my family. It is even more boring, because since dad and max wanted to see a guy movie and my mom and i did NOT, we always watch whatever family flick is out there. But now that I get older, it seems like it must be kind of boring for a lot of other people. I mean compared to the hype surrounding it. This is supposed to be the best day of the year, a day to relax and see friends. And maybe its because I have had a lot of relaxing adn doing nothing lately, but that is exactly what I do not want to be doing today. Somehow on CHristmas, I am always thinking I want to do something productive, like go to target and get all the supplies to hang my photographs. But target is closed, or as far as I know, they are. Watch someone prove me wrong.
So instead I think I am going to pack a bunch of clothes and move them over to my apartment. I want to start staying there, but there is nothing to do there. There are maybe a handful of friends that are over in Clifton, and if I stay at home, my mommy makes me breakfast :). This day makes me ready to have stuff to do again. Ready to start school. I know I will later shoot myself for that comment, after 9 months stright of school. Well....actually....I am already a little pissed at myself for saying that. So hopefully some friends are also bored after a day of doing nothing and will want to hang out with me tonight. There is only so much tv I can watch with my parents. | | |
| So I am sitting in Newark Airport, bored out of my mind. No one is picking up their phone to talk to me, and it costs money to use the wireless, so I am making a blog post in word and then copying it in later.
As many times as I have done it, leaving a city tends to feel very surreal. I leave my apartment, and Lisa and Sarah and I know I will never go back there again. I have had a key to the place for 3 months and then as quickly as I move in and make it my home, I move out again. I give back the keys to the office and I give back the keys to the apartment. All I have left is my keychain that everyone makes fun of me. I guess my logic about that was if I don’t have any stability in my life, then at least the ring that holds each set of keys will be a constant. And not only a constant, but something I like. I can’t buy things like books and furniture and picture frames. A keychain is one of the few things that is practical in my life, as well as a luxury.
I am so ready to go home right now…and of course my flight is delayed. I don’t think I will make my connection in DC, so I think I have to make them switch my ticket. Ahh, I just want to go home, my mom is making a first night of Hanukkah dinner and I just want to spend time with my family. I feel like it has been way too long since I was able to be with them for more than a couple nights at a time. More and more I appreciate the experiences I have had on co-ops and studying abroad, but now I am ready to be in one place, with my family and friends. I am satisfied and I am ready to go home to a home-cooked meal.
My last day of work was kind of weird. I couldn’t tell whether they were sad to see me leave of indifferent. The principal of the form, Ross Anderson, was asking be for the past week to stay, because they are getting more and more work and joking with me that I was the only one that was able to tell them when they unplug and plug back in their mouse, that they need to re-start their computers. He had no reason to dislike me, yet when I was saying my goodbyes Wednesday afternoon, he had already gone home, without saying goodbye or giving me a chance to thank him for the experience. I was a little upset about that. Not that I think he did it on purpose, but that is the type of person he is. He is one of the nicest people, but like all men, oblivious. I sent out an email thanking everyone for such a positive experience, and I kind of expected an email back from him (I left my gmal address) saying he was sorry he missed me, but wishes me well. Nope, the inbox is still waiting for that one. Oh well…no hard feelings on my part, so I probably shouldn’t even have discussed this that much, haha.
Well, I guess I need to put the computer away and get switched to another flight. Our plane isn’t even here yet and I know I would miss my connections. It will be good to be home.
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| I am still trying to figure out this weblog stuff. I logon today and I look at my last post and it says I made it last night, which is not true. I made it like a week ago. I thought maybe it was just telling me today's daye. But no, its yesterdays date. So just so everyone knows: I am not a huge loser who writes in this every day. You can call me a loser, but not for this.
So this is my last weekend in New York. Kinda sad. I don't know what I should be doing right now. Its noon and I just woke up. I went out with Alex last night. We went to this Pretty in Pink Party that a bunch of other daap kids were throwing on the lower east side. Damn it for not knowing what other co-ops are here besides the SAID kids in my year. Didnt know the graphic kids were here until last weekend, didn't know the other architecture and id kids were here until last night. There should really be a website or something that tells you everyone else that is moving to your city. Then everyone wouldn't feel so lonely or disconnected all the time. There are probably 30 kids here co-oping and that just sucks I only knew like 5 decently well.
Yesterday there was a commercial being filmed at our office. So everyone was told they must "vacate" their desks by 3. Not so bad! I like having short days. And because the crew got there at like 10, I don't think anyone was being very productive. I think I did a total of 20 minutes of work all day. The rest of the time, i wrote emails, walked around, talked to people and basically just wasted time. Still going to definitely bill the hours though.
Friday was Alex's last day at work. Damn it I don't want to go back there for 3 more days, especially because Alex isn't there. I have to finish the models he was working on and basically do bitch work for 3 more days. Oh well, I guess thats 3 more days of pay for me. But anyways, last night, people kept leaving without saying goodbye to Alex. I mean they knew it was his last day. I thought for sure they would order in pizza for the office. I mean really, there are only like 10 of us. But Matt, one of the project managers (a crappy one at that) didn't even say goodbye. I know he didn't dislike Alex at all, so why ignore him? We have known him since March and he didn't even make the effort to come over and shake his hand, tell him they really appreciated his work and good luck with shcool. That is the easiest thing to do. I mean, in all likelihood, they are never going to see each other again. What was he thinking? Some people can just be so tactless. I wonder what it will be like on my last day. Me walking around at the end of the day, going around to everyones desk, giving hugs and saying "it was fun?" I dont know, I guess we'll see if Matt leaves without saying goodbye again. Ha.
Well, you know what I am craving? A turkey mushroom grill sandwich from Arthurs and a scoop of Graeters black raspberry chip ice cream. Thats next weekend I suppose :) | | |
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